I think the number 22 is supposed to have some kind of numerology or tarot significance, but since I’m an all-around unbeliever, I’ll just marvel at the coincidence that will not happen again — 22 years since my AIDS diagnosis on December 22, 1997.
I am well into the bonus round now.
This day always has some significance for me. A real turning point that I didn’t think I would get past.
Yes, as my doctor sent me to the emergency with my AIDS-defining pneumonia, I was also being assured that I would live, not die, so I had some kind of advantage over those who went before me. I had the advantage of being diagnosed when there was effective treatment available, so I wasn’t told to get my affairs in order and prepare for the end.
Still, my story is a cautionary tale (don’t wait to get diagnosed — you will damage your system beyond full recovery), and I allow myself to cling to a certain degree of pessimism on a personal level, usually privately, even as I applaud the optimism of our time with respect to HIV. My CD4+ count hovers around 300 (up from my original 4), usually below, and the more stable CD4% is in the low 20s after this many years of effective treatment and undetectable viral load.
AIDS doesn’t mean what it used to. You might be familiar with the graph of progression from infection to death, but that just doesn’t apply in the time of treatment, at least for those of us in the wealthy north. What used to be a one-way ticket is more reversible, and many will recover their health to “normal” levels of immune function, even if they have to keep up their treatment to maintain that.
Personally, I refuse to reject that “badge” I sweated and gasped for air to get. I will not dissociate myself from the term “AIDS” as so many people I know who are living with HIV seem anxious to do. I do make a point of educating people about AIDS not being a prognosis in our current time, but it remains a diagnosis of import, underlining the failures of a system to diagnose and treat people soon enough to avoid it.
From my particular privileged vantage point as someone who can be open about his HIV without risk to employment or the support of family and friends, I can also decry the growing trend of avoiding even the mention of HIV. Organizations changing their names to remove references to HIV or to AIDS think that they are working to destigmatize access to their services. Maybe. But they are doing so in a way that affirms the stigma of HIV and of AIDS. Every change in this vein saddens me and feels like a blow against us in the fight to overcome that stigma.
If we can learn anything from the struggle for LGBTQ+ rights, it ought to be that closets are for clothes, and that people who are out and open and refuse to be ashamed are on the path to liberation and preparing the way for others who might not have the liberty to be so open at this particular time.
If we want to get to liberation, someone has to make the path, and others must decide to follow that path.
Last results from September/October:
VL: “not detected” (test sensitive to 20 copies/ml)
CD4#: 306
CD4%: 24
